April 23rd, 2009

• Bullets on my current state:
• With my return from my grandparents in Manchester, I have gained more knowledge on my grandparents past, distant cousins, and my mother's side of the family as a whole. The return has also created a curiosity about my father and his family. I feel that after my mother's death, I went into a period of confusion and dissociation, until which I am currently in the midst of getting out of. In order to help push myself completely out of this state, I think I need to become more comfortable in certain aspects of life, such as having a better understanding of who my family is and what role they play in my day to day life. Thus, it will soon be time to tackle part deux of my family exploration, and time to have a good conversation with my dad.
• My father was in my life until I was seven, and my uncle has been with me throughout my father's absence. My uncle represents more of a father figure to myself than my biological father.
• I’m tip toeing into recognition of my thrill. I now know what can make my back ache and my heels bleed. Continuous climbing of trees will result one day in a scraped knee. But that hold of branches feels good, and a tablespoon of peanut butter on wheat toast keeps me wanting more.
• Astronomy class and its current discussions on aliens and government conspiracy theories excite me. I can’t help but think of it in an existential way; human existence is unexplainable, we can choose how to live our life and create what is meaningful. That class is a nice little reminder each day.
• Underlying tones and feelings of others, close and far, aren’t as translucent to me anymore, they are thick and I can almost see them. Sometimes it is a good thing. When it is a bad circumstance, I get frustrated, and just want the thick matter to drip out.